even though I won’t be in college tomorrow, I’ll feel bad for not giving my essay in on time, so I gotta finish it 😔 #nerdproblems #sociology #postmodernism #essay #nerd #ill #loser

So who’s ready to hear about another uneventful week???

Saturday was pretty probably the most eventful day, Noel Edmonds came into my work, that was pretty funny, and then I stayed at Nikki’s that night, so it was nice to not have to go home after work, and have a not boring Sunday. I’ve been spending a lot of time with Nikki recently, because I never have to explain myself to her, and she’s just nice to be around. She’s a lot like me and it’s just nice staying with her.

I learnt to crochet Saturday too.

Monday, isn’t even worth writing about really, I had a law lesson, and learnt about stuff…

Tuesday was also not that eventful, I saw my grandparents and that was lovely as always, and that was literally all I did that day, other than learn some stuff in sociology.

Wednesday I saw my little Wallamina, as I usually do on a Wednesday afternoon, after law. I can’t even really remember what happened that day.

My short term memory is awful.

I really wish they wouldn’t play those adverts with starving kids in Africa, and abused babies and all the polar bears are dying. It isn’t necessary surely. There are other ways to make us aware, no need to put me off my dinner from seeing ribcages and malaria. I don’t care how heartless that may sound, you must all think it too at some point. I think it’s wrong.

Anyway, thats that out the way…
Thursday, my day off, I went driving again, I can actually steer now, which is always handy when driving a vehicle.
I’ve realised I get easily distracted by cats though.

Today I had some nice bonding time with dear Wasmina, we had to do our last science practical today, for out BTEC, it’s really weird that I’m nearly done with science, it seems like I’ve been doing it for ages, and it’ll be annoying not getting to see Wasmina in any lessons or being able to see her as much after we’ve finished it.

The title of this blog was in relation to Wasmina.
Without her, I don’t know what I’ll do, I’m scared for when she goes away to uni.

Well, yeah that’s that really.

Also, this is a little fact. This day two years ago, me and my best friend , Char decided we were not going to be friends again after a massive argument, look at us now, all good and stuff! :-)

The snow is all gone, and everything is pants.

Because all the snow was gone, it meant I had to go back to going to college and stuff, which was alright, but it meant leaving the nice confines of my house.

Monday for the first time in years, I saw my stepdad’s father, Peter. He couldn’t recognise me because he hasn’t seen me at least since my Grampa died, which has been like 6 years, but he isn’t any different at all, like his house still looks exactly the same, smells exactly the same, he look exactly as I remember him, and there is no way he is 86, I think his birth certificate is wrong or something, but yeah it was nice to see him again.

Tuesday I couldn’t see my grandparents because the roads were bad, so she banned me from going there, so Tuesday was shit and after sociology I went home and hibernated and didn’t talk to anyone. Until it snowed then I was a bit happier.

Wednesday I spent the whole morning hoping Abbeywood would close, but I swear that school wouldn’t close if a natural disaster happened. So I had a happy morning in the company of Emily and Alicia, then was buzzing anyway because I would get to see Wasmina in the afternoon, then as usual had a happy few hours seeing Wasmina. After I left Wasmina the empty feeling came back and I felt pointless again, she seems to give my life meaning and just fill the gap that there seems to be.

There are a few select people that manage to do that nowadays.

Thursday was my day off, and because the weather was bad Wednesday, my mother wouldn’t let me stay at Nikki’s that night like I’d planned so I was feeling rubbish again as well because of that, so refused to leave my bed that day and read all day, it was nice.

Friday I had to go to Abbeywood in the morning, and my stepdad gave me a lift, so I was like half hour early, which was horrible, they all had assembly and I couldn’t go to it because I’m not a student there, it would have been a bit awkward/I didn’t know if I was actually allowed now. So I had to sit outside connexions looking like I was waiting for advice because I had an STD, I felt like a proper reject.
That evening I had rugby, it was nice to see Pip, and I always like going to Rugby. It was freezing though, so I took a hot water bottle and couldn’t walk properly because I had so many layers on…

My Saturday shift seemed to go on forever, Kristina wasn’t in for unknown reasons, which made it feel really weird, but Char came in, so it meant I could show her off to some of the people I work with, and show them why they should all be jealous because I have one of the best friends ever and they can now put a name to a face, cos I virtually only ever talk about Char, Wasmina and my Grandad.

Sunday was the worst day in ages, having a customer tell you you’re a terrible assistant and shouldn’t be employed doesn’t really boost your self esteem. So I spent a long time considering handing my notice in and trying not to cry. So I went home and watched Batman, and speaking to Wasmina made me feel a lot better. I was really tired though so I still haven’t finished watching Batman.

I hate how rubbish my blogs are now, I literally don’t do anything worth talking about nowadays, and everything I should enjoy or at the time did enjoy when I come to writing about it only mention that it was nice or alright.
As much as I’d like to be a Vampire I think living forever would be horrible, feeling like there’s a chunk of me missing for the rest of forever would be horrible.

On Friday I was told something, that I’m hoping more than anything won’t happen.
I’m not going to say what it was because 1. It’s not something that is mine to broadcast and 2. It might not even happen anyway, but if it does I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, at the moment, it seems nearly as drastic as having to live without my Grandma or Grandad.

I wish I was a cat.

my laptop background is fab #karl #marx #milkshake #fangirl #loser #king #sociology

I’ve been so happy recently.

Just really content with life.

I think one of the main reasons for that is that me and my sister are getting on so well, we usually go weeks without properly talking to eachother.
We never spend time together, we never even look at eachother as if we like eachother, but the past few weeks she’s been amazing.

Monday I started off feeling really shite, every Monday I have to build up going out of my house and into college, simply because I cannot be bothered. This week I was really worried about the exam I had on Thursday, so I literally just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep.

Sleeping is easy.

But as usual on a Monday afternoon, I get to college and Emily and Alicia just cheer me up, they make me forget everything and they’re just fun people to be around. I’m so glad I’ve met them, they can brighten anything in my life.
They might be basically the only 2 proper friends I’ve made at college, but they are the best, they both mean a lot to me.

I was in a really good mood Tuesday, for a little bit I felt okay for Thursday, and I like my Sociology class, it’s always usually a laugh, and I get to see Wasmina on a Tuesday which is fab. So yeah I was fine until I decided to go home and revise before seeing my grandparents.
I somehow managed to ruin my own mood, which is really bad, I don’t know how I did but I was really angry and even my Grandad couldn’t cheer me up which then really upset me and it was horrible.
When I got home, I cried for the first time cos I miss my sister B who is away in France, I’m glad I finally just let myself be sad though because it sorted me out, and I was okay after.

Wednesday is always a fun day, because of firstly Alicia and Emily, and then Wasmina, a Wednesday is usually the day I get to spend millions of hours with Wasmina we have proper bonding time, we usually don’t do any work in science, so have to do it at home, then stay at Abbeywood til like 6 talking.
I think I prefer seeing her a few times a week instead of everyday, because I’ve relied on her as my only friend since the day I started high school, like she was the first new friend I ever made, so every lesson I didn’t have with Char I felt lost, but I had Wasmina. So being without her I’ve seen I have to not rely on Wasmina all the time, and I also appreciate the time I do spend with her even more.

Thursday I flopped my exam, so ate loads of chocolate and then watched the IT Crowd and realised how boring my life is with no Sociology work to do…

Friday was a snow day, and was honestly the best day I’ve had this year so far.
I slept in, and woke up knowing I didn’t have to do anything, then spent the whole day with my sister Emma playing in the snow, yes me and my 19 year old sister played in the snow. I haven’t laughed that much with her and spent so much time with her in what feels like forever, I literally didn’t want it to end.
In the evening me, Char and her parents went out to see a Take That tribute band, it was so funny, it was nice to just go out with Char for the first time in ages, and just have a good time. it’s nice seeing her happy.
I literally never go out now because I’ve made myself a recluse and can never be bothered to leave my house nowadays/exams/I’m boring.

Saturday I had work for the first time in 2 weeks, and it was quite nice to go back, probably because it was really quiet, but it felt like my life was a bit more normal again.

Today is the first day I have literally nothing to do, like there is stuff I could do, but it can wait, I can get distracted all I like and read as much as I like.
I have nothing to worry about, although I’ll probably find something.

I just really want it to snow some more. I bloody love snow.

I’ve noticed this week, how much I put events in my life down to fate.
Like I can never decide anything for myself, so I have to let something else decide for me, which is pretty insane, but then I make myself believe that it isn’t me making the decisions it’s the universe.

What a nutbox.

I honestly haven’t done anything at all since last Friday.

I had my first exam of 2013 today, it was my Sociology exam that I’m retaking because I believe I’m capable of getting an A, instead of a B, snobby, I know. But it went well, I think, I didn’t struggle to answer anything which is good. But then whenever I feel confident about an exam it’s bad times. Oh well.

This week has been one of those weeks when you just don’t see the point in trying because no one will listen to you anyway. It’s been shit mainly for all little pointless reasons, like my mum and sister have completely forgotten about my exams, and only seem to be aware of Emma’s next week, that’s really childish and pathetic, cos I don’t want attention for having an exam, but just being noticed for my achievements by the people I live with would just be nice. Like my Grandad who is 85 and can’t remember what he did yesterday and my sister who is having the time of her life, literally, in France both managed to remember, but to two people living with me just never give a shit about what I do unless it’s me getting two different cases of tort law mixed up so they can take the piss out of me.

That was really whiney and even annoyed me, but there it is.

My tutor has been one of the best people this week, and she usually always is, she’ll always ask how I am, and if I’m okay in myself, as opposed to just asking how everything is regarding education. I can’t ever thank her enough for just make everything easy, or at least making it seem easy, every day I remind myself what a good decision it was to go to college, and I think I’ll be saying it for the rest of my life, or at least until I make another good decision, because that’s one of the only things that has made my life better.

If it wasn’t for Wasmina, I swear I wouldn’t ever go to Abbeywood, like even with her there most of the time it’s so hard for me to go, I dread it, people make it clear I’m not welcome without even trying to or even knowing me, maybe that’s just psychological, I just hate it because:

1. It’s stupidly different from college, and they make everything more difficult than it has to be

and 2. No one seems real, it’s weird. It feels like everyone pretends, I don’t know.

I realised the importance of life this week
I realised you should cherish every single moment with every person you love, and every moment of your life and just tell all the ones who hurt you to fuck off.
I realised you shouldn’t take life for granted, or take a good moment for granted.
I’ve wasted too much of my life sugar coating what I actually think so I’m not hated, because having the feeling of someone disliking me or falling out with someone makes me feel sick.
I need to stop hiding what I really think because it might create an argument or awkward situation.
I believe that what someone says at one point is what they are thinking of feeling at that point, even if it hurts someone it was valid at one point so every thought matters.

Life is just unpredictable and shocks me virtually every day.

Hellllllooooooo

I’m really stressed, I’m going through my yearly breakdown, but it’s funny this year, because the friends I’ve made at college have been helpful and tried to make it amusing for me, which has actually helped, and they’ve told me to relax for a change, instead of telling me that if I don’t do work it’ll be my own fault if I fail, which I have heard a few times before. Char has also decided she’s going to worry about me because I don’t do that for myself, which I’ll admit I don’t, other are people are more worth worrying about, because they’re what usually keep slightly sane.

After my busy week filled with B I literally haven’t done much other than work a lot more than I probably should be, and revise, I’ve realised I can’t fit in seeing friends like Char and Jess, because I’ll worry that haven’t revised which is silly, but I’ve not seen them properly for ages because of it.

My Dad was still down from Ireland so last Tuesday I had to see him again. I think one of my grandparents told him to not drink, or at least not as much as he had the previous week, because he was actually okay to be around, which confuses me because I don’t want to like him, because other than him being a bit funny and kind of nice when he’s sober he’s not worth my time, because he has never done anything for me and the £25 at birthdays and Christmases, now that I’m nearly an adult will never make up for the years of love that I never received from him. So with that money I always waste it, I buy something that I usually wouldn’t justify buying for £25 if I had it, or I make it meaningless money that will pay to get me to work or something, I refuse to use it as something that will remind me is a present from him, because I just think he’s a selfish, sad old man.
I really want to say all of that to him, but I can’t because I’m too nice to him when I see him, like even now writing it I know someone will pull me up on it and say I should be more forgiving and blah blah, and momentarily I’ll feel guilty, but unless you’ve experienced Trevor, you don’t even know what it’s like. He’s an idiot.

Anyway, that was pretty much all did in the week other than work, until Friday. Friday was a horrible day, but also amazing. It was one of those days where you wake up and think, yeah I just shouldn’t get up today, and I shouldn’t have, it was all little things like I dropped my glove in a puddle, and I lost my umbrella and locked myself out of my house and stuff, but it all just makes you think that fate is trying to tell you something. On a Friday Wasmina is usually my only motivation for getting up. She’s the only thing that keeps me going to Abbeywood. I hate that place so much.
But my day got better around 11 when I saw George, because I only see him like once a week now or something like that, so even though we go through stages of speaking and then just not speaking at all I do love George, so it was good to see him.
When I got to college I remembered I had Rugby that evening, which meant I got to see Pip. That instantly brightened my mood and I was just happy then. It was a really good night; it was just really silly and funny.

Saturday before work, I decided to start re-reading the Twilight saga. So I was nearly late for work because I’d lost track of time. I’ve not read for myself for personal enjoyment for months, I’ve not properly been able to since Dawn died, I try and avoid all things that would make me think since then, and even when I’d be sucked into a book random thoughts come back to me, the same with playing my guitar, I’ve tried but I still get no joy from playing that anymore, I just can’t be bothered. It’s one of the reasons that I try and avoid sleep, so I’ve gotten into a weird sleep routine.
I told Char about this, because part of me wanted someone to agree, but when I was reading Twilight and reading the kind of person Stephanie Meyer makes Bella seem it reminds me of me, and some of the stuff she does, reminds me of me. People have told me I look like Kristen Stewart, as does my sister and I used to really hate it, I don’t know why but it did used to really bug me, now I love it, I’m happy to look like her because I wish I was Bella now 95% of the time.

This week I wrote my friend Sophie a letter, I got a bit annoyed with myself, because it had taken me so long to write it, but there was nothing really to say until after we’d been to Birmingham, but I’ve realised now she is one of the only people now that isn’t really a sheep. I think that’s why I picked the lyric I did to title this blog, because it links in perfectly, all the friends I’ve got now aren’t pretending about anything, or pretending to be who they aren’t to fit it or impress a boy. No one sugar coats anything or hides their opinion from each other and I wish my life has been like this sooner, it’s just simple and easy, and real. Everything happens for a reason and everything that has happened has made me stronger and happier. Even though sometimes I feel insecure still, I don’t think I’ve been this comfortable overall with the person I am, I will probably always wish I was someone else, whether that be a character from a book, Taylor Momsen, Rachel McAdams, Emma, Wasmina, my Grandma, Dawn, or anyone if I have to be stuck with just being Sarah I’d rather be this version of me. I feel lonely a lot of the time, but I’ve never had this many genuine and lovely people around me. For the first time I’m kind of feeling excited about the rest of my life.

I’ve also realised I hate the sunshine but love the warmth. If night could be day with the humidity of Egypt, I’d love life. I just don’t enjoy sunlight much cos people can see me…

This is going to be a really boring blog literally filled with me moaning about how crazy and sad and lonely I am.

So this week I have literally done nothing.

I’ve been in a pants mood overall all week as well, other than Tuesday when I was with my Grandparents.

I’ll start with the weekend, Saturday it was Pip’s 18th and even though I didn’t want to go because I didn’t know anyone and generally was just feeling like I’d rather go home to bed, I did enjoy myself. It was really nice to laugh that much for a change, I haven’t properly laughed for a while without feeling genuinely happy after.

On Sunday I can’t actually remember what I did other than go into work for a pointless hour to hear about how we’re doing and the new charity we’re sponsoring and all that stuff.
Weirdly though, I was actually at that point I was so proud to be a member of that team, because when they put everything together like that we all have worked so hard and it was just really nice.
I’ve finally started to get on more and feel a lot more comfortable around the people I work with, and I’ve started to enjoy my job. I complain about it so often, but that is literally just because it involves leaving my house and being in contact with humans, and both of them things in a way make me feel uncomfortable now, they’re not things I enjoy doing.

Never mind, these things have to be done and all that.

Monday I had college in the afternoon, and it wasn’t bad, I do usually always enjoy Law, and the 3 girls I sit with are lovely and are really nice to be around.
In the evening I went to the student lock in thing, that was ridiculous, I got smushed, so I went home like an hour after it had started.

Tuesday was horrible until I went to Grandma’s. Now saying that, it was only horrible because I am so lonely. But I had quite a nice lesson sitting with Jas in Sociology, she’s very lovely and just again really easy to be around.
All the time I constantly feel alone because I literally never talk to people and people never talk to me. I have 2 people I’ll talk to on a daily basis now, and one is my sister (not that that is a problem) and 2 out of my pretty much 5 friends live in Wales, one lives in Norwich - which is my sister, one I never see outside of Abbeywood and I hardly ever see Char nowadays cos I just don’t like leaving my house. But in Bristol I literally have 1 friend I’d go out with, but I’m too lazy.
So it’s my own doing really, but I’ve become a hermit.

Anyway, Wednesday, I was a hermit, this is where my craziness links in, I didn’t sleep much Tuesday night because I knew I started work at 4 on Wednesday, but I knew I had to go to UWE with college and I was so worried that I wouldn’t be allowed to leave at 3, to get to work that I just decided I’d say I was ill and not go. It was such a stupid decision, simply because I was scared to talk to my lecturer and say ‘I need to leave early’, how can such a stupid thought keep someone awake like all night?

Thursday is my day off anyway, and again I was working at 4, that day I woke up later than I’d intended, so I was worried my work trousers wouldn’t dry, then because of that I did nothing, I literally sat on my bed and did nothing because I was worried so couldn’t do any work.

Today, it’s been 5 months since Dawn and Freddi’s wedding, and today was the first time since the day she died I’ve cried in front of someone about Dawn. I proper sobbed on Wasmina about how alone I feel at the moment and even though I know there’s people there to help me or talk to, it doesn’t even feel like it, and I really hate that because I feel ungrateful.
I’ve decided I need to see a counsellor or someone, because I’m not sure if this is possible, but I think I’ve almost ignored Dawn’s death. Like obviously I’ve acknowledged it, I went to her funeral, and everything, but as soon as she died I carried on with all the charity stuff to forget about it - which was what I did to keep me going when I’d found out she was terminal.
After she died I randomly stayed in school for 2 weeks when I didn’t even need to, so I had people to distract me and because I felt I’d annoy them, I ignored all those feelings until I got home.
I should have just stayed off when I had nothing to do and taken that time to understand it myself.

I’ve been getting so upset about it lately and every day I feel worse and worse and like people care less and less about me.

Earlier in Sociology I was asked if going out at night bothered me, I said no, the supposed risk of rape or murder or whatever doesn’t bother me, my answer to the question why was what is there to be bothered about, everything happens for a reason.

Surely that’s not a normal thought…

It makes me angry though because I shouldn’t feel this bad, she was my mum’s best friend, if she can cope why can’t I?

I’m bored of never feeling genuinely happy, and like I’m boring people because I don’t genuinely feel happy. I just want Dawn back.

Emma has been such a massive help this week. I’ve spoken to her like all day every day this week, and she’s just listened and been so understanding and has helped me realise everything, she’s been really good and just telling me to sort myself out without being horrible or blunt about it and it’s been lovely. She’s let me get everything out I’ve been scared to let out and hasn’t judged me or ignored it or said ‘It’ll be alright’, she’s just helped me understand everything I’ve tried to ignore. She’s such a lovely person and I hope I never lose her as a friend.

I need something fantastic to happen to brighten my days, like Noel Fielding telling me he’s been hiding his love for me for the past 7 years.

I’m joking.

Some new paints would be fine.

Hey there,

Well, it’s time to waffle on about my uneventful life.
I didn’t bother blogging last week, cos… Yeah I can’t remember. I got distracted by Lady Gaga or fell asleep or something probably.
The week before that, I had rugby on the Friday night so I lost all ability to carry out my normal routine. I get so confused having rugby on a Friday, cos it feels like a Sunday and it’s just weird.

So, I’ll start from the Monday of like 2 weeks ago…
That weekend my sister B came down, so I literally spent most of my week with her, it was so so nice.
On the Monday we went to Costa for a catch up and stuff, which was nice before college, except then I felt all lonely after.
I hate saying bye to B, I always feel like I’ve left a part of me behind.

On the Tuesday it was Grandma day as usual, I can’t remember if anything exciting happened because my brain doesn’t remember things that well… I’m only human unfortunately.
Wednesday I had to work, and I framed some of my artwork to put in the shop, which was quite exciting (so if you go in to Hobbycraft Bristol go down to framing, and look up at clip framing, BAM. My art work).
Thursday I saw B again, we had such a lovely day, we had a wonder round the mall, then went to Pizza Hut and people watched and had a nice big chat and aw, and then we went to watch Brave. It was actually a really good film. I originally only wanted to see it because it was all Scottish. I think I’ve explained a million blogs ago about me and B pretending to be Scottish and that my Scottish accent is fab…? But anyway it was a really good film, and I want to turn my mum into a bear, just to see what it would be like… (I’m joking; I’d have a wee break down)
Friday was the day I got confused and had Rugby, we lost again (if i remember correctly) even though earlier than evening I rushed into town to get a new rugby hat because we all believed my other one was jinxed, puh! Clearly we’re just not doing very well.
After that I stayed at B’s, we had nibbles and watched Music and Lyrics, and I had such a nice sleep, as I usually do at her dad’s house. But then I started work at 10 on the Saturday. That Saturday was our refit launch day thing, so I’ve started wearing my silly new uniform with an apron and ugh, I don’t like it, the apron gets all everywhere and ugh I feel confined and like I work in B&Q.
I worked all day on the Sunday too. I miss my weekends.

The next week, I can’t remember anything exciting happening, which is quite depressing, because I can usually remember like something funny happening but I don’t even really get that now. Such a loner hahahah.
However on the Friday, I finally had a long awaited catch up with Char. I hadn’t seen her for like 2 weeks or something stupid, so I went home with her after college, then we went to Costa, had a catch up and then went and spent the evening at George’s. That was quite nice because it was the first time like going out to be sociable other than rugby for quite a while.
That weekend I worked on the Saturday and on the Sunday spent the day shopping and stuff with my mum. It was the first time I had out with her for a while, and it was really nice to do stuff with her.

That week I’d gone through my yearly ‘omg, I can’t do anything, I’m panicking cos I’m shit at life and I’m gonna fail cos I’m fatalistic and ugh emoemoemo’ week.
I’m glad I got it out the way early this year, because now Amanda knows I panic loads, and Sociology is pretty much the only thing I have in life that I want and now Law too.
So yeah, that’s that bit done with.

This week, Monday I went into town cos my mum wanted a few bits and ended up spending money, and I hate doing that cos I always feel I’m wasting money and I should be like, I don’t know saving it for my great grandkids or something.
Like it’s not like I have to pay for anything other than driving lessons, so there’s no need for me to worry about money or how much I have, but like it can keep me awake at night. I’m gonna be nightmare when I have to pay for a house and all that jazz…

Tuesday was as usual Grandparents day.
We’re planning a holiday, which was my mum’s idea, for next year for my Gran’s 80th and my grandparents’ 60th anniversary.
It should be me, my mum, Emma, B, Gran and Grandad, B’s Dad, and his wife Sue, and possibly my godfather Impy. It’s going to be so good, I literally cannot wait.

Wednesday, I did nothing.
Thursday, I worked.
Friday, I did nothing.

I’ve been feeling really alone the past couple of days, like having no friends doesn’t bother be 98% of the time, but there’s those times where you just want to have contact with some humans, like I always feel like no one cares at all.
My lack of motivation to do stuff is getting so much harder to beat, like to the point that I can’t even be bothered with Music Fights Cancer anymore, I’ve stopped seeing the point in literally everything other than Noel Fielding, nail varnish and Grease. I don’t know… Hmm.

Anyway tomorrow, I’m working, then it’s Pip’s 18th party. I haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks now, so it should be very nice to see her.

It’s also Josh’s birthday and B’s birthday tomorrow, yay! I love other people’s birthdays, so so much. Like just buying them presents or sending them a card just makes me so happy ahaha.

Well that’s that.
Later losers.

(God knows who I’m calling a loser, cos if you actually read my blogs I love you)

Wahey, look at me blogging on a weekly basis again!

It took me a while to decide what to title this blog, because I wanted it to relate to how I’ve felt a lot recently.
Although I’ve been really happy overall, as usual I just let stupid little things get to me. Like I’m pretty certain I’m gonna have to start blocking loads of people on twitter because it gets me down, but then I feel really harsh, and then the fact I feel harsh over like nothing gets me down.
It’s just a vicious cycle really.

My weeks are pretty uneventful now to be honest, well not that they’ve been really eventful recently, but at the weekend I worked a massive amount and got really stressed out because of work because one of my shifts was awful. Like I have gotten to the point now where I would rather go back to having no money and not being able to do anything again, or afford to learn to drive etc. than I would go in to work sometimes. I don’t feel I should have to dread going in to work. I know retail isn’t all rosy and fun, but it shouldn’t be that bad, surely?
If I had a shift where I left feeling really pleased with how I was treated and how I worked more than once every couple of weeks that would be brilliant, because I do actually like my job when the right manager is in…

That’s my rant about work done with.

On Sunday, after starting work at the crack of dawn it was time to go to Rugby.
Bristol played Cornish Pirates on Sunday and we won 29 -17.
I usually hate Pirates, for really pointless reasons like their fans are annoying and one of the players had really long hair and always got it ripped out and stuff. But one of our old players that Pip’s family (my other family…) used to sponsor - Darren Barry, now plays for Pirates. Honestly, seeing Darren actually get played for once instead of being a little bench warmer was actually a really proud moment for me. I miss Darren so much, we always used to ask him really pointless, random questions, but he is just a genuinely lovely bloke and he deserves to get played!

My week, from what I can remember was completely uneventful until Tuesday.
I went to my Grandma’s as usual and my sister Paula and her kids were back from Australia. I’ve not seen them in a month because they went camping for a week, then Australia for 3 weeks. I didn’t realise how much I’d missed my nieces and nephew until they all came in and screamed at me and jumped on me.
That day I had a massive chat with one of my sociology teachers, Anna. It was so lovely, I didn’t realise how much of an impact I’ve made on the lives of my nieces and nephews until I’d had that conversation. In fact, it finally made me realise what impact I’ve had on so many people’s lives in a good way. I love it when people understand me and how I think and how I am and stuff, because it makes me feel less alone in the world. She reminded me a lot of Nikki and as I’ve mentioned before Nikki is one of my favourite people ever.

Thursday I went to work, and it was one of those good shifts, which brightened my day a bit. Afterwards I spoke to my sister B. I haven’t had a phone call with her in so long, and it was nice just to hear her voice.
This week I’ve wanted to be exactly how she was with me when Dawn died, I’ve wanted to be the big sister this time and make her feel that she has someone she can come to any time of the day, and know I have all the time for her that I can possibly give.

Today has been a weird day; my mood has been so up and down and just weird. I don’t even know why.
I really just want a whole 24 hours where I can stay in and do literally nothing other than read, watch telly, wee, and eat.
That would be fantastic.

I discovered today that I’m one of those annoying people that don’t fit in in normal society. I’m that bitter, dark person that hates everything. My opinions are so strong and how I say stuff it comes across really horrible. I met a Radical Feminist today (she’s in my sociology class, it wasn’t just a random meeting…), and apologies to anyone who may follow feminist views/ideas but I hate it. Feminism is a silly sociological perspective, we are past that era. What rights are there that women don’t have but still need? That is just my personal opinion, but they are so extreme, and ugh. I just really don’t like them. They make a big deal over something that is not a big deal nowadays.
Anyway, I think I really upset this girl, but her argument was going nowhere, made no sense and was illogical. She put me in a bad mood.

My day has been completely brightened though by Emma. Not my sister, as in Josh’s girlfriend… So my best friend-in-law.
She’s really easy to talk to and in such a short amount of time I’ve gotten to know her and would class her as a friend. She’s so genuine and lovely and is just lovely and ahhhh I love Emma.

I have like nothing planned this weekend.
Well that’s a lie, I’m going to ZaZa Bazaar after work for my mum’s leaving meal because of her shipping out to Newport for her new job, and I’ve never been there so that should be good!

That’s that really…

I’m also super excited about Josh’s/Emma’s birthday present, because it is fantastic and he’s going to sob like a little girl (probably not, but I like to think he would).

This is a really long blog for just one week.

My memory is rubbish, Monday seems so far away now, I kind of can’t really remember it… I had a Maths exam, which I don’t think I did too well in, and that’s probably about as eventful as my Monday gets…

Tuesday was my first lot of proper lessons since probably April, and it was probably the first time I’ve actually enjoyed History or not panicked in History since my first lesson of year 12. I’m kind of looking forward to Year 13, cos I might actually enjoy/maybe even do well in History. After school I went to my Gran’s and for the first time I think, ever, my sister Paula told me I looked nice and didn’t tell me I was fat and was actually nice to me… It was very unusual. I had a proper chat with my Nephew Connor for the first time in a few months, which was really nice because he finds it hard to trust people or talk to people, so that fact the he chose to open up meant alot to me.

On Wednesday I had another Maths exam, I again don’t think I did too well in it, because I really don’t enjoy Maths. I had Science in the afternoon, which was pretty good because I love my Science lessons and haven’t had one since the end of March because I finished all my work. I get to spend time with just Wasmina, which is really nice, because I love Wasmina so much, so I’m always in the best moods after Science.
In the evening Grace came round because we had to watch a film to Sociology - which didn’t happen, we watched some of weren’t in the right frame of mind to concentrate and ended up just having a really big catch up instead. It was nice to spend time just me and her alone because we haven’t actually done that for well over a year…

Thursday wasn’t all that eventful, because I had no lessons so went in school to just do a bit of work. On a Thursday afternoon noone usually has frees so it would usually just be me and Turner, so that’s usually the day I make all my big life decisions, and the day I talk to him about everything and that was his last Thursday in school ever because Tuesday is his last day, so it was pretty weird to think I won’t have a Thursday with him any more. It rained a massive amount on Thursday, so I had one of the worst walks home of my life, it was so much effort and it just wasn’t a pleasant walk.

Friday was the first day of full lessons I’ve had for ages, so it was a bit strange but I like being busy in school, I was so excited and happy all day too, so that made everything about Friday a bit better.
Friday was the first time in a little while me, Emily and Sophie properly laughed together, we’ve had so many little problems lately, and now that we’ve sorted everything out I feel better about a lot of things and I’m grateful they were both willing to hear me out and everything else.

Saturday was one of the best days I’ve had in so long, I went to see Blink with Trash, Turner and Ross.. They are so good live, it was amazing, it was so different to when I saw them at Reading but once again their set list was pretty much perfect, they play a mix of everything which is so good. It’s such a good atmosphere, and I enjoyed every second of it.
It was overall just a really day, there wasn’t a time yesterday where I wasn’t so happy, the excitement I felt all day was such a nice feeling and I’m glad I got to spend that time with the people I did.

Sunday, I haven’t had a typical Sunday for ages, so it’s nice to spent today doing nothing other than washing, watching DVD’s and reading.

I’ve had such a weird few months and it’s starting to feel like things are getting better, I’ve got quite a few things to look forward to and a few events to plan which really makes me happy.

Me and my mum went to costco this week, we bought loads of haribo, and I keep eating them, feeling sick.

5 days to go until Music Fights Cancer
http://www.facebook.com/events/376794795696433/

This has probably been the longest 14 days of my life, it’s been such a weird and very emotional couple of weeks.

This week has involved planning Dawn and Freddi’s Wedding and sorting out everything for the benefit concert.
This had been such an up and down week. But it’s all starting to come together.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, were probably the worst.
Monday and Tuesday I was over thinking. I got to the point of over thinking so much that I started rethinking my life and doubting my future plans, I was so down at the beginning of the week and thought it was really selfish of me for wasting time in school when I’m struggling anyway, when I could be keeping Dawn company, and helping Freddi out.
I still think this now, and nothing will change this opinion - I can go back to education and do whatever, whenever. Dawn won’t be here whenever.

On Wednesday things started to look up in a way. Although it was horrible because Dawn had a really bad day, and in all honesty it felt like she had about 4 days left, not even 4 weeks. But after we’d seen her, we’d gone to the Thunderbolt and spoke to the landlord.
It really cheered me up, because I had something to put my mind off of it again and something that made me happy that I could talk about.
He was so lovely and has been and still is now very very helpful, he was so supportive and so lovely about what I’m doing and it really choked me up that a stranger could honestly be so genuine and caring about a person he’s never met.

When we went to see Dawn on Thursday, although she was in bed, it was like she used to be. Before she even got ill. She’s caught up on sleep the nurses had been round, reassessed her and changed her medicine and she had a really good day. Seeing her that well, and cheery was so nice. It made me think that if she’s learnt to accept things, I should too, because it’s the only thing that is going to keep her being this positive. Just taking each day as it comes and carrying on.

All in all, on Friday, I had a good day. Me and Char had a proper chat about everything that’s going on, and it really helped. She has been the 1 person that has every single day asked how I am, and done so much to help, like offering to come in on a day where she has no lessons, in case I need someone. It’s things like that that mean the most.

Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve realised who the people that truly care about me are. Some of the people are those I least expect to be there. I never thought I’d have so many people supporting me and constantly cheering me up.
Overall, the people that have never promised to be there when I need them are the ones that have been there, and the ones that haven’t reminded me they’re there are the ones I’ve turned too because they’ve been so chilled out and not treated me like there’s something up, they have just treated me like normal.
I can’t thank anyone enough at the moment for paying an interest or buying a ticket and trying to make things easier for me.
On Wednesday the person that cheered me up the most at that point that week was Trash, and now I still can’t thank him enough, all he really did was bring back the excitement I felt for planning this gig, and is doing so much to help make it a really good night for Dawn, which is the only thing I want to come out of that night, is 1 last smile from Dawn. He was the first person that properly helped me sort it all out and gave me so much help with it from day 1, so without him it probably wouldn’t have been as successful. The fact that he actually cares about Dawn and making Thursday good for her is the best thing ever.

I’m not sure if he does it intentionally, because he usually acts like a weirdo, but Turner has cheered me up so much as well the past couple of weeks. He’s been there to talk to without making me realise I’m talking about stuff, and he just always generally cheers me up, he puts up with my ranting and I think without realising he does, he makes all the bad stuff not hurt so much for a little while.

They are honestly 2 people I never thought would be there for me when I need them, without necessarily being there because I never expected to become friends with them.

Yesterday all the collection buckets and tins came from CLIC. Which means we can properly start fund-raising!
I’m excited for Thursday, but I’m also dreading it, all the planning and everything else has occupied my mind and I’ve become so used to it, it’s going to be weird without it.

Today Dawn gave me her Grandmother’s ring. I was honoured.
Now every day I can look down and remember her strength.

Please come, please donate.
http://www.justgiving.com/musicfightscancer
“Money for the brave children I’m proud of, The Brave Little Warriors” - Dawn Gray

Dooooo, doooo, dooo, doooo da dooooo, dummmmmmmm, da, da, dummmmmmmmmmm.

I can’t get the theme tune for Coronation Street out of my head…

I’ve been sleepier than a sleepy person this week.

Monday was uneventful.

Tuesday was Grandma day, it was such a happy day then it slowly went down hill. My Grandad got quite upset, and it broke my heart, after that for the rest of the evening I just wanted to cry every time I looked at him because of the conversation we’d had.
When I got home, I remembered that my sister makes me feel poo, because 80% of the time just looking at her makes me want to punch her square in the face for getting all the nice genes, and being able to go through life being so chilled out, and everything still seems to go smoothly for her. This was the reason why I laughed at her when she first failed her driving test muwahaha.

Wednesday I completely messed up a Sociology mock, and ate some biscuits.

Thursday we had another trip to UWE, meaning I ended up coming home with alot more random prospectuses for universities I don’t even want to go to. I also attempted revision, in school. But I ended up getting not much done. I don’t know why I stay in school on a Thursday afternoon, Turner just distracts me with his musical talents and winning smile.

Friday has been a fairly good day, I’ve finished all the work I’ve had to do for this year for science, which is exciting. I’ve then generally been happy after that for the whole day, until History… I found out I got a U in my mock.
After I saw this my teacher said “Are you alright? We’ll have a talk in a second”. I replied saying “Well, I’m gonna cry when I get home”. He replied “ooh! Okay!”. Hahahah.
Today was also mine and my friend Sophie’s anniversary - as in it was a year ago today we first decided to go out together, and then we became friends after that. Seems like forever ago now, it’s been a weird year…

I got really panicked earlier on and had a small break down on my mum. I can’t believe how near exams are, and I am so worried about History now, I don’t even know where to start with revision, I can’t even get the simple bit out of the way because it doesn’t BLOODY EXIST. We should all be allowed to learn Medicine Through Time forever.

I lost all common sense this week, I don’t know what happened, but all week I’ve just chatted complete shite. I never usually make any sense anyway, and most people say I never usually say anything to means anything to anyone other than me, but all week I’ve been getting words mixed up, getting really confused and just generally saying stuff that has made even me go, “Sarah… No, just, stop talking”.

Tomorrow my mum has decided me her and Emma are going to Cardiff, I have to miss rugby, which I really don’t want to, but it may be nice for us to all spend a day together. The more exciting part about this weekend is that………. B is down, aaaaahhhhhhhh. Very exciting.

I still need to watch this weeks Game of Thrones.

Hello, Hola, Bonjourno, Hi.

This has been a flipping long week, cor blimey.

Monday ruined everything, that stupid bloody essay on Anwar Sadat, I finished it, which I’m super happy about, before I go off on one. But I lost basically all the work I did. Sarah being the doughnut she is, was like wahey, it’s due tomorrow let’s stay at school and write it and rearrange stuff and delete stuff and write it all over again, and be accidently logged into a user that isn’t you, and trust the system that always dies, and loose your work. Idiot. So I went and had a break down on an R.E teacher, he thought I was a looney and then I went home, and had a break down on my mum, ate some turkey drummers and did it all over again. I was so tired after that. That just messed up my whole week, I did enough work to last me the week. BUT I FUCKING FINISHED IT, YEAH.

Tuesday I was well sleepy, I went to my Gran’s and my nieces and nephews rode on my back like a horse for hours, I have so many bruises, but my muscles are beasts now (that’s not true, they’ll never be anything) then I walked into the bath. Didn’t think you could walk into the bath did you? Well… you can.

Wednesday was just an average wednesday, full of Sociology and Science. Me and Wasmina, once again ruined an experiment, set things on fire - accidently, we smashed stuff, and made salt, wahoo. Wednesday doesn’t get much more exciting than that.

Thursday, this is the big bit of my week…

So me and Emily saw McFly again, they are a really good live band. Makes me feel 11 again seeing them, and Emily loves them alot, so she’s all super duper happy and all emotional and all that! But they were very good last night, the set list was brilliant, they played loads of their old stuff, they played new unreleased stuff (which was good!) and a bit of their newer stuff. They also played a bit of a mash up of everything you could think of from Busted to Whitney Houston, which was pretty awesome, and they’re just quite a funny band. I like it when bands talk and stuff, and when they’re funny that’s better. Everyone loves a chuckle.

Friday/today I’ve been so happy, I’ve been in the weirdest mood, and hence the name of this blog I can’t stop singing Maria by Green Day. Driving me crazy now.

I’ve been singing so much all day, maybe it’s the sun… and the lack of sleep. But I’ve been so happy, wooooooooooooooooooo0o0o0o0o0ooOOOOOOoo.

Everything has felt so normal today, and I had Doritos.

This week I’ve properly been off food, like I’ve had one proper meal this week and just not been hungry until today, it started to do my nut it getting into the middle of the week. I WANTED SOME FOOD. But I think I’m all good now, maybe.

I got so many compliments today too, which is always fun. I never know how to take compliments, with some I’m like ‘AWH, THANKS!’ with others I just get really funny and hate accepting the compliment.

My Grandad asked me to call him Sergio on Tuesday, flipping weirdo. He’s so funny, awwwwwwh.

Happy 23rd also.

9 Days until Game of Thrones.

A woman just walked down my road jumping and going ‘NOOOOO!’ I genuinely thought it was my old Art teacher… that was weird.

This has been a pretty uneventful week really.

Like I can’t even remember Monday it was that uneventful…

I got told I’m doing 1,000,000 x better in Sociology though, which for me was super amazing to hear, cos I always believe I’m bad at everything other than reading, that was pretty much it.

Tuesday I was absolutely bullied by my nieces and nephews, so my niece Shelbie is always fairly mean to me anyway cos she finds it funny… so I do the same to her, muwaha. But she’s told me I must save up for her birthday and buy her a real life dragon, I’m so proud of how much she has in common with me, my aim is to create a mini me, that would so weird, but so amazing all at the same time. My other niece Alicia is usually an angel, but for some reason Tuesday she was in a right weird mood, she just kept telling me I smelt and was just throwing non hurtful abusive words at me. Then my nephew… Tyler, when he wants to be (which is most of the time) can be the most annoying and horrible child ever. This week, I shouldn’t have found it funny, but I did… He threatened to ‘bust me up’ hahaha. I think it was just the fact that my little 5 year old white boy nephew had said it, then after he threatened to steal my purse, so I was really paranoid. Then he also broke my phone for a short while because he got really annoyed that he couldn’t work out how to talk to Josh so we had a full on scrap over my phone - I am now bruised because of this… and that’s that really!

My grandad is also doing a lot better, which is really really good. He’s always doing so much that he wears himself out, but he never stops trying, I have so much respect for him because of that, for both of my grandparents, they always to as much as they can for themselves and for everyone else.

Wednesday was an inset day, I went to see The Woman in Black, and saw Emily and Sophie outside of school for the first time in ages.

And Miguel, ahhh, Miggles. He’s well funny.

But if you plan to see The Woman in black I have 3 tips for you.

1. Do not believe that it’s a 12A, it is so scary, it should be AT LEAST a 15.

2. Do not watch it alone, just don’t, oh my god.

and 3. Don’t even bother taking food, you’ll be too on edge to eat it/it could be a choking hazard/you might drop it and be very sad.

Also for those that are Harry Potter fans, try and put it out of your mind that Daniel Radcliffe was ever Harry Potter, I couldn’t and it kind of ruined it for me. I was really confused, cos it was pretty confusing anyway, and I was just waiting for Ron to pop up.

On Thursday I discovered I’d gained a really bad cough, it’s so painful, and really annoying because I’ve had like 5 colds this year now already, my immune system is so rubbish.

And today, I’ve basically spent the whole day drugged up, because I don’t want to miss much school now, because after Easter it’s exam time, I’m well scared.

This week, out of a possible 16 lessons I’ve only had 9, I’ve been so bored. There are no lessons that I hate and don’t want to do (other than Maths because it feels like I’m never going to pass that) aaaand…. I like learning.

But I’ve just started thinking about all the things I’ve not been doing because I’ve had no one to do them with, and I was talking to my sister B yesterday about it all, and right now I’m just happy with how everything is. I’ve decided I need to start putting myself first. I’ve not cared what other people think for a while now, but there’s still been that small part of me that will keep trying to put things right with anyone and everyone. I just can’t be bothered. I know who my friends are.

I’ve found recently that the ones that might not want to be around me when I’m in a bad mood, but most of the time still are are the people that always will be there. And the people that aren’t there will still text me everyday to see how I am.

And recently - it may sound silly to people that don’t actually know him, but the people over the past couple of weeks have asked…

- How my Grandad is doing

- If I’m okay

- If my Gran is okay

and - If any of us need anything

Are the ones that have made me the happiest by showing me they’ve cared.

Because I stop seeing the point in some things if another person doesn’t even seem to be bothered if you’re there or you’re not, or if you’re okay or you’re not…

It’s annoying that I have to wait over a year to move to Swansea, because that is when everything is going to change and my life is really going to start.

But I feel super old.

Me and my Gran worked out 2013 is a big year.

• I turn 18
• She turns 80
• My mum turns 50
• It’s my Gran and Grandad’s Diamond (60th!) wedding anniversary
• I move away from Bristol (hopefully!)
• My sister Emma is 20
• We go to Jamaica for my 18th
• My niece Shelbie turns 10 (double digits :(!)

And I think that’s it, but it’s still loads!

oooooooh.

Well, I’m off to see 2 of my friend’s bands play tonight, they’re always fun.

I’ve also realised my countdown has been well dodgy, some days its been right, some it’s been wrong… but anyway, it’s 16 days until Game of Thrones.